Now that the turkey has been consumed, it’s time to turn our attention to rivalry week. All across this great land, college football teams will take the field against the school they deem inferior to all other schools. College football is in our blood. The definitely less than 10 readers who have been with us since the beginning will recall Reid’s posts, “The Valley” and “The Trophy” about our specific rivalry, and Brandt’s posts, “I Love” and “I Love Continued.” And on "I'll hang up and listen" and on "The Preseason Top 25, hold the complaints"
The rivalry just hits different. While each rival game has its unique history and flair, the fans that fill each stadium share many similarities. Let Not My Boys guide you through the different types of college fans you may encounter in your section this weekend.
This fan was on the roster of a high school football team. Whether they actually played or not does not matter because just being on the team has given them the wisdom to know the perfect play call for every situation. It is understandable that having this wisdom would make it hard not to share, so that is exactly what the Romo does. The Romo screams what should happen before every play. “Second and short, take the deep shot here!” and “The wheel route is open!” (actually the wheel route probably is open) are words you are likely to hear repeatedly from the Romo.
The Monday Morning QB
MM QB is a close relative to The Romo and quite possibly is the same person. MM QB feels the need to analyze every play after it happens in real time. “Gotta block him!” they scream after a surprise corner blitz gets home. The MM QB lives in a world where every play should be a TD and anything that falls short of that was a horrible call. They have a great affinity for running the ball when you pass, passing the ball when you run, the backup QB, the tight end, and firing either coordinator. When the first play of the game only gains 3 yards, expect to hear, “What are we doing?!!?” “Did we practice this week?!!?” You do NOT want to be next to the MM QB on a three and out. Also, don’t be alarmed when the MM QB threatens to take the life of the OC in the 2nd quarter if he calls another WR screen on third and long.
They are the leader of your section. They present in a variety of ways and at various times.
The Get-Up Cheerleader will demand that the entire stadium stand up the moment the defense takes the field. The month is September, the opposing team has a direction in their name, the temperature is hell, the score is 45-0, the Get-Up Cheerleader does not care. He is standing, waving his arms up, looking around at the stadium in disgust when no one is standing up. During the week he heads up your HOA.
The IED (Improvised Explosive Device) Cheerleader is one you need to be aware of, especially if you are sitting close. They love to lead the section in cheers. The actual cheerleaders lead the stadium in cheers during the game, but the IED Cheerleader takes it upon themselves to take over during down times in the game when you would never expect a cheer to start. For example, you are staring at the jumbotron watching a play that is under review, when all the sudden IED Cheerleader explodes, screaming at the top of their lungs “C-L-E-M in cadence count….”
The Pre-Game Cheerleader is so fired up walking into the game that they cannot help themselves from repeatedly starting your team’s cheer. Sometimes this can be fun for a time or two. However, it does not matter if Vegas has your team tipped to lose by several scores and you are completely surrounded by opposing fans 600 miles from your house in 38 degree weather, this guy feels like the result depends on whether you will loudly scream “GAME…COCKS” with seven other people while walking into the game with your 11-year-old. Spot them early and stay clear.
The Frequent Flier
If you could get sky miles for the number of times you left your seat to go under the stands, this fan would have platinum status. The Frequent Flier only wants to leave during peak action in the game. 3rd and 2 with the game on the line, the Frequent Flier does not care. When they want Dippin Dots, they want Dippin Dots. It never fails that the Frequent Flier must be participating in a Guiness Book World Record attempt for how many concession items one can carry in one trip. If you are not sure whether you have a Frequent Flier on your row, it is not a bad idea to pack a poncho because there is a good chance you could go home with nacho cheese or coke on you.
This fan has brought a child under age 3 to the game. The rookie fans will panic when they see the Babysitter next to them, but have no fear because shortly after kickoff you will have open seats next to you. The Babysitter thinks going to the game with their small child will be fun, until they realize they would have an easier time holding a greased watermelon than their child who drank 47 juice boxes at the tailgate and needs a diaper change before the kick.
As more and more college stadiums allow alcohol sales this fan is coming closer to extinction, but they deserve to be honored nonetheless. They walk with a limp, carrying the largest souvenir cup drink possible, stirring the contents with a finger. Yes, the Dinosaur is the fan with more mini-bottles in their boots than an airplane beverage cart. You don’t have to be a paleontologist to figure out where a Dinosaur has been in the stadium; just go to any bathroom stall and you will see their mini bottle footprints.
The Larry Munson
Like the Dinosaur, this fan is becoming a relic but still serves an important purpose. This fan is listening to the radio broadcast of the game in the stands. In their heyday, they could be spotted with headphones and a walkman, or if rich, headphones with built-in radio. Today, they are harder to spot. You will think this fan does not exist, then an injury will occur and everyone will be on their phone trying to get an update, but the cell service is nonexistent. All of the sudden you hear a 70-year-old fan scream, “High Ankle Sprain, not expected to return.” This is the Larry Munson. They will also update you on any record about to be broken. “8 needs 26 more yards to become 27th in all-time rushing yards on the third Saturday of October.”
The Zebra Hunter
This fan has a true hatred for the officials. They will become triggered on the first “missed” holding call against their team. It will quickly escalate on each “missed” pass interference call when a pass for their team is not completed and will reach Code Red level on the first “the previous play is under review for targeting.” (“It’s ruining the game!!!!!!” they will scream.) The Zebra Hunter has obviously been told by their therapist not to hold in feelings, so they yell at the official from 7 miles away as if they are having a one-on-one conversation. The Zebra Hunter appears not to understand the officials cannot actually hear them. The yelling will start innocently enough, “Are you blind?!?” “The Fix is in!!!!” “We have to beat two teams today!!!” and then will quickly move to taking the Lord’s name in vain before each comment and using profanity that would make Ice Cube blush. Don’t panic when they can’t speak, with face turning red and veins bulging. You are thinking they are having an aneurysm but this is simply priming the body to scream “F you” and fire the double birds. Their true storm the capital moment will occur when your head coach lays into the official after a missed call.
Victim of kidnapping is the only plausible explanation for why these fans are at the game. They are a bizarre type of fan that does not show the normal distressed signs of a kidnapped person yet you know they are not here of their own free will. These fans have been forced to come to the game and have zero interest in football. You can instead find them scrolling their phone, reading a book, knitting, solving countless sudoku games and a variety of other random acts.
This fan will be wearing the gear of a team not playing in the game. Some of these Gilligans are worth rescuing and some are not. Any fan at a college game in NFL gear you can save. There is a good chance this is their first college game and the Dinosaur that brought them is about to sprinkle holy water labeled as Fireball on their head and cleanse them of their NFL sins. The Gilligans that arrive in a rival’s gear or gear of a team that just beat your team a couple weeks earlier deserve whatever happens to them.
The StubHub is easy to spot. They will arrive at your section just after kickoff when the section is full. After tripping over half the row, they arrive at what they think are their seats only to find someone sitting in them. Looking annoyed, they immediately pull out their phone or printed piece of paper and say, “I got 27 and 29.” The person in the seat quickly responds, “No you don’t.” The person in the seat can reply so confidently because it always happens to a person who has been sitting in the same seats since 1963. The best is that not only will the old timer tell the StubHub they are wrong, everyone within shouting distance will too. “Let me see your tickets . . . You’re in Section P, this is UP!” The StubHub will then trip over half the row again making the walk of shame to the nearest usher to help them find their seats.
This is the away team fan in your home section. They could not get tickets in the away team section or didn’t want to have the worst seats in the stadium and now they are in your section. There are two types of POWs.
The Death Wish figures they are never making it out alive so they come in guns blazing. Full team gear, talking trash, loud, standing up when their team is on defense which makes them the only people standing up in the section. The thing about the Death Wish is that if their team actually wins the game it can create a euphoria that is seldom reached.
The Wrong Turn hopes to remain hidden. They are in neutral colors, usually in pairs. The only thing that gives them away is the hard to see fist bump with their buddy when their team scores.
The Scoreboard provides scores from other games happening around the country. This fan is never telling the person next to them. They are always screaming to another fan two rows away. “Georgia’s down 3 in the 4th quarter!” (Warning: The IED Cheerleader could detonate here.) This is followed by everyone repeating the score to the people next them like they were the only ones who heard it. Also this was the correct score 17 minutes ago and Georgia has since scored two touchdowns to cover.
Google “Ohio State Male Fan + any age.”
The White Claw
This fan is the drunk of the section. They can harm you in two ways. The loud one could want to fight at any point in the game, normally with the quiet dad who looks unassuming but finally snaps and clocks White Claw. You can also be violated by the quiet White Claw. The quiet White Claw is going to puke on you any minute. If you recognize this you may want to use your poncho you brought to protect against the Frequent Flier.
The Do You Know Who I Am
This fan is a fairly recent variant. It was not that long ago that basically all fans had the same experience. In more recent years, schools have attempted to make game day even more profitable and thus introduced exclusive areas to the main concourse. No doubt you will see someone who thinks they should be allowed into one of these areas despite not having the requisite lanyard.
The Gretchen Wilson
You will remember “Here for the Party” as quite the summer banger in 2004. The Gretchen Wilson is dressed like they are going directly from the game to the club, almost always choosing considerably less clothes than are needed for the weather, the tighter the better. Just like the team, sometimes even the 5 stars don’t pan out and you will be left wondering if there is a mirror in the Gretchen Wilson’s house. Not really a surprise that Homewrecker was also on that album.
The Chicken Little
No matter how well the game is going, the Chicken Little cannot resist openly worrying about a change of fortune. Avoid.
The Road Tripper
The Road Tripper is a pretty big fan. They own a lot of team gear and often pick a road game at a “fun destination” to go to each year. These are the fans in a wedge of a road stadium corner that the broadcast cuts to when the game is close. The Road Tripper posts on social media to make sure everyone knows they are loyal fans, writing things like “game didn’t turn out like we wanted but we had a magical time in Tampa!” after a blowout bowl loss.
The Superfan chooses their vehicle in team colors, names their child after the star player, and casual fans think they are bonkers. Do not expect the Superfan to acknowledge their team does any wrong. There is a less than 10% chance the Superfan actually has a degree from the school.
This fan is wearing a blazer because “business.”
The Lifer is the fan that many aspire to be. Consecutive home game attendance streak? Check. A bunch of road games and bowl games with the same traveling party? Check. Could have educated multiple college graduates with the amounts donated to the booster club? Check. Remembered the university in their estate plan? Check. Has a dozen booster club stickers on the window, planned in advance to only show the year? Check. The Lifer has seen it all. The Lifer knows that wins are great, losses not so much, but what really matters is the experience.
Since the Motorola StarTAC was the hot cell phone when we were in school, we do not feel qualified to discuss today’s student fan. Just know there are students at the game and they are intoxicated.
This fan went to a small liberal arts college, but grew up a fan of the big football school. They attend all the big school games and you have no idea they did not go to the big school until both schools play each other and they show up in the big school colors on the shirt and with the small school logo on their hat. When the small school goes up 3-0 on a first drive field goal the Two-Timer instantly forgets their fandom of the big football school.
Do you know the name of all the high school sophomores attending the game this weekend? Do you know what “flip season” means? Do you know who is wavering in their verbal, per the lunch lady at their high school? The Recruitnik does.
This fan knows all the information. Not just the records mind you, but the high school attended by your third string safety.
Want to insult this fan? Consult the roster in the program.
We all enjoy celebrating our team with our people. Big first down gets a “yes!” Turnover or TD could get a high five. The issue becomes where does the hand slapping stop? The High-Fiver makes it their business to attempt to high-five everyone in a three row area.
Now you know. Enjoy yourself at the ballgame.
Filed/BG and RS
Leave a Reply.