The South and snow have a love/hate relationship. We love to see it coming down, but after a dusting, we start to panic. Here's a timeline of events that happened at my house during this week's winter storm.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018 - First Snow Day
2:05am - Daughter wakes up and asks if she has school tomorrow. I don't know what day it is. I tell her to call Beth Brotherton.
3:05am - Still not back to sleep. I take comfort in knowing that Chris Justus is awake and looking for Facebook likes.
3:37am - Check radar. It is raining. Why can't I sleep? Probably nothing to do with the dog's leg jamming into my back. (Yes, our dog sleeps in our bed, and yes, we have had a fake Christmas tree this year. I feel your disgust.)
4:14am - Still awake. So is Justus. Snowing all around, but still raining at my house. I take comfort in knowing that Cotton, our chief met, is awake on vacation at Old Edwards Inn posting on weather message boards.
5:01am - I can't take this anymore. I can't sleep. I am moving to the den to watch WYFF show me it is snowing in TR.
5:36am - Already heard Justus say "High Impact" seven times.
6:12am - I wonder if Dale Gilbert likes Justus being on his morning turf. I am not related to Dale Gilbert.
6:37am - I have already been to Hendersonville three times today. It is snowing there.
7:12am - Reid wakes me up from dozing on the couch to tell me that it has already stopped snowing. I am now fairly certain we are going to get a foot.
8:27am - Satellite signal becomes intermittent. I google "stages of anxiety disorder." The first stage of anxiety disorder sets in. The mild stage. During this stage, vital signs are normal; not very much muscle tension. You are aware of different stimuli in environment; thoughts are random but controlled. You feel comfortable and safe. Doing habits normally.
8:53am - Local channels are out, but ESPN is still working. The moderate stage of anxiety was skipped and the third stage sets in. The severe stage is when you are going through fight or flight, beginning alarm stage; vitals become increased, appetite decreased. Problem solving is very difficult. Trying to block out threatening stimuli. Might have aches and pains. Might feel irritable; increased need for "own space."
9:24am - The satellite is out. Panic stage.
10:18am - It is still snowing at a pretty good clip. Begin to ponder if a return to a normal school schedule is possible by Easter.
11:15am - My daughter comes inside. She only has feeling on her right side. Son stays outside.
12:17pm - I am able to eat lunch, but it is obvious that clear thought has not yet returned. I dress in 17 layers, go the garage, get the ladder and head to our deck. Once on the deck, I ask my wife to come hold the ladder. I was not aware, but she was in the middle of an attack herself, because she said ok. I begin climbing up the ladder in an attempt to climb up on the roof to remove the snow from the dish. I brush the snow off and feel a shingle. It is as slick as an ice rink. Then I immediately think about how dumb it would be to slide off the roof to my death to remove the snow from the satellite dish. I climb down off the ladder and embrace my wife like I just escaped death.
12:45pm - I scroll through Facebook to see if I can find a Chris Justus weather update. People are happy on Facebook. Great pictures of kids sledding. Family shots on golf carts. People love the snow. People are happy.
12:47pm - I read where I should stay off the roads.
12:48pm - Tell wife I am going to run to the office to shovel off the sidewalk. Debate whether or not I need chains on my truck's tires based on news reports.
12:53pm - The roads are perfectly clear on the way to work.
2:34pm - Go to Grateful Brew to pick up my prescription for anxiety disorder. It is crowded. I realize I am dressed like I just finished dog sledding in Alaska in subzero temps. Everyone else in the establishment is dressed in jeans and a shirt. I debate whether or not I should take off my stocking cap or unzip my jacket to reveal the thick fleece under it, but then I remember I showered what feels like days ago. Instead, I just walk around looking in the cooler, while my ski pants make more noise than the cappuccino machine and beads of sweat drip out from under my cap.
3:15pm - Place my medicine in the fridge. Sleep deprivation is in full swing. In what felt like a dream, I offered to take my kids and all the neighbors' kids up to Sara Collins Elementary to sled.
3:37pm - We arrive at Sara Collins. From the looks of the hills, approximately 2,349 people had this idea before us.
3:39pm - I look down onto the field and can only smile. Another Dad is going through the same medical crisis I am. Although it appears he is in the full panic stage. He is cutting donuts on his golf cart with five other kids on the cart while pulling two kids stacked on a sled.
3:59pm - Two of the disc sleds we have are not as successful sliding on mud as the longer flat sleds. Kids begin complaining about others not sharing. I suggest a snowball fight with the boys.
4:03pm - This is a dry snow. I would have a better chance of making a snowball with a handful of sugar than this snow. Snowball fight ends. My son sees a soccer ball. I suggest a game of snow soccer, me vs. the kids.
4:12pm - Breathing heavily, I ask neighbor's kid if CPR is taught in second grade.
4:17pm - My left lung collapses.
4:25pm - The wheezing has subsided and I feel a buzz in my pocket. My wife sends me a text. She has attempted to clean the snow off the dish by opening the guest room window and shooting our son's Nerf gun at it. Things are getting out of control.
4:27pm - Think about calling Reid to see if I need a lawyer when DSS comes to our house.
4:45pm - The kids are back over on the hill. The bottom of one sled looks like it survived a shark attack. I pick that sled and decide I will attempt the hill. Why not? These are memories my kids will cherish. I push off. Oh, that wasn't a shark attack that got the sled, that was the razor blades that must be lining this hill. My ass is on fire, my body is shaking, my left lung resets itself, and just when I think we are leveling off and this misery is over, I hit the track. It is then I realize I am going to be practicing dentistry from a standing position for the next month.
5:20pm - Return home to my wife drinking a glass of wine. I can't sit down, so I decide to try one last attempt to remove the snow from the dish.
5:29pm - There are now three tennis balls and seven Nerf bullets stuck in our gutter.
6:03pm - No school tomorrow.
6:15pm - Chris Justus just said "Black Ice" for the one-millionth time today.
7:30pm - We have no live TV. We sit down as a family to watch recorded episodes of Fixer Upper.
7:31pm - Jesus take the wheel.
Thursday, January 18, 2018 - Second Snow Day
7:32am - My eyes open. My body hurts. What day is it?
10:00am - Head to work. We are opening at 11:00 today because I was told by my weatherman that cars were not allowed on roads before that.
11:05am - Realize nobody is going to the dentist no matter how bad they want to get out of the house.
12:48pm - I make a Sonicare Angel.
3:00pm - Close the office, but continue to "work" as my wife updates me on what is happening at the house. We have TV again, but that is not even enough to pull me away from "work."
5:06pm - Wife tells me there is no school tomorrow. I tell her to take deep breaths.
5:07pm - I google "padded-room installers."
6:10pm - Check Facebook. No more snow fun pictures. No more happy people. People are screaming.
6:15pm - Read the Greenville County School Facebook page comment section. I feel better about myself. I am holding it together better than most. I have yet to reach the point where I need to comment on a school district Facebook page my deepest thoughts on how districts should handle inclement weather policies.
6:17pm - I google "What happens when the government shuts down?"
7:03pm - My wife has a margarita. She is happy.
Friday, January 19, 2018 - Third Snow Day
My lawyer reviewed this section of the timeline and has asked me to remove it. He states that it could be used against me in a DSS investigation.
My wife and I will be at the Stormy Daniels show at the Trophy Club Saturday night for some much needed R and R, if anyone would like to discuss the removed timeline material.